Giving feedback using a coaching approach

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This week, I’m responding to another one of the questions that I wasn’t able to get to in last December’s webinar. This particular question connects with a topic we’ll be discussing in the next session of the current cohort of Developing a Coaching Approach to Leadership: giving effective feedback using a coaching approach.

Unfortunately, a lot of us are walking around with baggage from past bosses. The fact that she has shared that with you suggests that you have built at least some trust already. But, getting critical feedback can be difficult for everyone, and that baggage definitely makes that worse.

So, first of all, for every person that I’ve seen recommend using the “compliment sandwich” approach, I’ve heard at least one other person refer to it as the “bullshit sandwich”. I don’t know whether that approach used to be more effective, but now, it’s so well known that it can come across as disingenuous. I know that’s not your intent, but that can often be the impact.

Or, rather than seeming disingenuous, the fact that you need to wrap this feedback in compliments may communicate to this employee that the negative feedback is so bad that you need to buffer it. After dealing with “very harsh managers”, who probably blew things out of proportion, some people learn to internalize that to prepare themselves for the worst.

So when you say: “I really liked the poster you made for that upcoming program. I did notice a typo, though. But the rest was really good!”

That can get blown out of proportion into: “I need to reassure you so that you don’t freak out, but that typo totally ruined the poster, and now it doesn’t make any sense.”

Trauma isn’t rational, and that’s what a lot of people have after dealing with abusive managers.

So how would I approach this using a coaching approach?

Before offering feedback, how often do you ask your employee to assess their own work? Running with the example of the typo in a poster, this could sound like: “I noticed that your new poster is up! How do you think it turned out?”

Judging by the number of times I have proofread an email, hit send, and THEN see the typo, she may tell you about the typo herself. We are often our own worst critics, so she may already be beating herself up about that thing that you need to give her critical feedback about. And giving her space to tell you about it herself puts you in the position of being able to just focus on how to move forward: “What do you want to do differently next time?” or “What support would you like to have available next time?”

Given the workplace trauma she has, though, it may take a while for her to feel safe admitting to the mistake. It’s also possible that she didn’t realize she made a typo.

In that case, how you proceed may depend on how significant the “typo” is. Is this something really small that you can let slide, to focus on building a culture of embracing mistakes as lessons, or do you really need to address this specific thing?

If it really is something small, like an actual minor typo, how could you encourage her to think about what could be improved next time in a way that wouldn’t feel threatening to her? I’m picturing a scenario in which I share that I’m working on developing a new approach that really emphasizes reflective practice in order to pay attention to how I can do things better next time, and then encourage her to do the same. But, that may not fit your context, so do what fits. (Of course, make sure you’re being honest – I’m assuming you’re reading this in the interest of developing more of a coaching approach, which does emphasize reflective practice and learning to do better next time! And modeling this approach will say a lot more than your words ever can.)

If it is something that needs to be addressed, to quote Brené Brown, “clear is kind”. Instead of obscuring it in a sandwich, explain clearly what you observed in as neutral language as possible and why it matters, and then ask for your employee’s perspective and what would help them improve. So, “I noticed one small typo on the poster. Normally, a small typo wouldn’t be a big deal, but this one changed the meaning of the sentence. What do you think is the best way to fix this?”

And then, emphasize working to embrace mistakes as lessons, and ask how they’d like to improve their process for next time.

This part – actually having to point out a behavior that needs to be corrected – is the most difficult part, so another example here would be the example I shared during the webinar. Two folks are working at the circulation desk. One is involved in an extended conversation with a single patron while a line is building up, and the other staff member is getting overwhelmed with trying to help people as quickly as possible to get the line under control.

If your employee was the one involved in the long conversation, you could open a discussion with: “I noticed that you were engaged in a long conversation with one student while a line of other students was building up. What was going on there?”

That scenario opens up way more possible explanations for what was happening than just a typo, so it’s more natural to ask her perspective on that scenario before moving into how to improve next time! Taking time to get her perspective on why she stayed focused on that one conversation, instead of jumping in to help her colleague get the line under control, will help to build trust simply by showing that you care about her perspective. Sometimes just feeling heard can make a huge difference. And, where things go from there will depend on what was going on for her.

Even with this approach, it may take a while for the fear to go away. But consistently asking for her perspective and what she sees as the path forward, and then respecting those choices and providing resources if at all possible (whether that’s your time to talk through ideas with her, additional training, some new software, or whatever), will eventually build trust that you really do want to support her professional development.